By Andrew Coutermarsh Reprinted with permission from the April 2001 issue of Identity Marketing

Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it! My apologies to Mark Twain for any inaccuracies. The point is that Twain's observation applies to relationships as well. We all know the importance of maintaining effective relationships with our customers and vendors, but this importance is often overlooked when discussing the health of relationships within the organization.

Organizationally speaking, relationships are the glue that binds the organization together. The stronger the glue, the stronger the organization. Moreover, the relative health of our work relationships affects our overall physical and mental well being. There are few of us who have not experienced the stress that is generated when co-workers are feuding, or when we work with someone with whom we can't seem to get along. We know this stress causes not only mental discomfort, but also can lead to physical ailments as well.

Those who have experienced an open, honest, and loving relationship with a spouse or significant other know the positive effects of sharing in that relationship. For some, the compatibility of the respective personalities is a natural occurrence. For most of us, the quality of the relationship requires an investment of significant effort and energy providing a return that is truly priceless.

Why then, do we not invest similar effort and energy in our work relationships? After all, depending on one's dedication to the job, we often spend as much, if not more waking time with our co-workers than we do with our life partners. Why would we not want rich, healthy relationships to sustain us while we are engaged in our second (or possibly 'the') largest commitment of our personal time?

Sadly, most of us give little thought to the nature of our work relationships. We seem to be willing to accept whatever these relationships offer, rather than take active responsibility for building healthy, effective relationships.

Perhaps it is the amount of risk involved, or the fear of personally engaging with another. When we refuse to take responsibility for our work relationships - whatever the reason - we miss the opportunity for a more enriched existence, and we limit the potential of our organizations. At the heart of building healthy relationships is a simple formula:

Beliefs --> Actions = Results< /FONT >

Translated, this says that our actions support our beliefs, and from our actions come our results. So, if we are not achieving the results that we would like, it is because of our actions.

In order to truly change our actions, however, we need to take stock, and change our belief system. Now for the tough part - we choose our beliefs. And because we choose our beliefs, we want them to be 'true,' which is why our actions support our beliefs.

Unfortunately, there is no connection between a 'belief' and what actually is. The fact that I may choose to believe in God has no bearing on whether there is or is not a God. God either exists, or doesn't exist. An individual's belief is irrelevant.

What does this mean in terms of relationships? This means that our actions will be guided by our beliefs about the person with whom we are in a relationship. As managers, this becomes a crucial element in managing performance.

Remember the classroom studies performed about 20 years ago in which a group of average students was split into two groups, one whose teacher was told that her students were below average, and the other told that her students were well above average.

The two groups performed as expected. The only differences were the respective teacher's beliefs about the students. Obviously, the results of these studies have great implications for the workplace.

Most of us will pay lip service to such outcomes, and acknowledge the importance of the studies, but rarely will we integrate the information into our daily lives.

What are the implications for me as an individual if I have this much influence on my relationships? What are the implications for me, as a manager, if the performance of those assigned to me is dependent on my beliefs about the individuals?

The good news is that this means we all are extremely powerful people. We have the power to make our relationships into anything we wish them to be. The downside is that now that we have this awareness, we no longer can place blame on the other person in the relationship.

Taking personal responsibility for a relationship means accessing our personal power. If we make the relationship all about the other person i.e. 'Joe is a jerk,' then we have given away our personal power because we have declared that the only way the relationship will change is if Joe stops being a jerk.

Since we only can change ourselves and not others, then there is no hope for this relationship. Sadly, if our belief about Joe is that he is a jerk, then our actions will support that belief. Subconsciously, we will do everything we can to make sure that Joe remains a jerk. We will get to be right about Joe, and the situation will not change.

What if we change our belief about Joe? What if we allow him to be bigger than this little box that we have him in labeled 'jerk?' Suppose that we have developed our belief about Joe based on the nature of the way in which he responds every time we approach. If our initial belief is that he is a jerk, then we will expect this of him, and approach him in a manner that supports the belief. Since we will always approach Joe in a way that supports our initial belief, Joe will respond accordingly, thus reinforcing our initial belief.

Let's say that Joe's reaction is generally curt, even angry. On any given day we could choose any number of different things to believe about Joe. We could, for instance, believe that maybe Joe's favorite pet had died. Certainly, this would have a profound effect on how we approach Joe. If this is the belief that we chose about Joe, we definitely would not approach him in the same manner as we would if we simply believed that Joe was a jerk. By approaching Joe in a different manner, we allow for a different kind of response. The key is that our approach is dependent on our belief.

Similarly, if we have a belief or an expectation that our employees will fail, our actions will support that belief and our results (which are also the employees' results) will be dependent on our actions. Conversely, believing that our employees are capable and competent will lead us to different actions. Does this mean that if we change our beliefs that our employees will never fail? No. It does mean, however, that opting for different beliefs will lead to changes in how we handle failure. It will lead us to support through training, development and dialogue, rather than blame and chastise. It will lead to redirection rather than reprimand. And it will lead to changes in employee reaction.

Certainly as human beings, we respond differently to supportive behavior than we do to criticism. Supportive behaviors on the part of managers lead to healthy self esteem and confidence for the employee, while criticism and blame can only cause feelings of failure, frustration, bitterness, and general negativity, which then lead to mistrust and anger toward the manager and/or the organization.

Taking personal responsibility for our work relationships and examining and challenging our beliefs about individuals can lead to relationships based on respect, trust, caring, and compassion. By expanding the boxes into which we have categorized and labeled people, we allow employees to become more than what our original limiting belief allowed. This, in turn, can change the overall culture of the organization.

Andrew Coutermarsh has an MS in management from Antioch University/Antioch New England Graduate School where he also is a member of the adjunct faculty, teaching human resource development and an advisor for student practicum projects. He holds SPHR (Senior Professional Human Resources) designation from the Certification Institute of the Society of Human Resource Management. He has spent the past 20+ years in the human resources profession and currently is director of human resources for Prime Resources Corp.